Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Bittersweet, upper and downer

So, after 5 months of running and really trying not to overeat, I have lost 28 pounds and maintained it through bouts of non-gym weeks!! I am psyched! Just another . . . well, I’ll tell you once I’ve lost it! I was really excited - time for new clothes!! I went into the attic and pulled out a box of clothes I had put away years ago.
I found several pairs of smaller jeans and smaller tops. Now, I still have many I don’t fit yet, but I think I will have to throw them away. Because, I sat there looking at them and realized the last time I wore some of those clothes I was pregnant with Jean and Joan. I was so sad. I just felt like someone had punched me in the gut, and there I was reliving every moment that the girls were with us, while I was pregnant and after they died. I hate grief; it totally sneaks up on you when you least expect it. I have gotten used to seeing kids the age they might be, I do okay on their birthday, and I talk to and comfort parents that are experiencing grief over the loss of babies. However, I do still cringe when someone asks how many kids I have and I say two, because, I don’t want to explain that I really have four, and go through it all with them. But not too often am I brought to tears anymore – except today.
So now I am having a pity party. I am blogging about it because it makes me feel better to write about it – and just share. And A and B are napping, and I just want to run in and hug them, and tell them for the 15 millionth time how much I love them. So now that everyone has joined the party with me – I do feel much better. Maybe I should put a disclaimer on this entry – heck, I might not even hit publish. But, whom else but my two faithful blog readers could I share this with?? Thanks for ‘listening’ I really do feel better, and I think some skinny-minnie, at Goodwill, might appreciate these clothes, more than I ever will.


Blogger Kelli said...

Karebear, I love you and you can call me and talk anytime. I feel like an awful friend. You know that you handle it so well and I really would like to be your you want me to come to Atlanta and consol you...I can just tell M that it's that time and I'll come right away. LOVE YOU GIRL.. YOU ARE MORE BRAVE THAN I'LL EVER BE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2:28 PM  
Blogger annette said...

like kel said, you are so brave! i think you are making a courageous step and it's just all part of the healing process. i love you too!!! by the way, i've been checking out prices to fly to atlanta...

5:26 PM  

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